Monday, April 24, 2017

Follow Through

I looked out the window one morning recently as the rain came down and saw our backyard strewn with toys. Again. Chloe's tricycle was getting wet. Every year, it seems, as the weather gets warmer I tell myself THIS will be the year the kids always put away all of their toys before they come inside for the night. But, here we are again.

Of course, children don't naturally think to pick up after themselves. Ever. So obviously a habit like that has to be learned, and practiced. Which brings me to the crux of the matter: follow through.

The more I think about it, the more I'm realizing follow through and consistency is probably one of my weakest parenting areas, yet it's critically important. Good habits are developed, not instinctive. Discipline comes through practice. Obedience is a less attractive option to your kids when they know you don't really mean what you say, anyway.


Follow through with your kids is a lot easier when you only have one. I suppose that's obvious. If you tell your little one to pick up all of her toys, and she doesn't, you have a little more time, energy and focus to stay with her and make sure she picks up all of the toys. You can do it hand over hand, if you have to. If you're a first time parent, this seems so draining, and tedious. But when you have other kids distracting you, vying for your attention, interrupting, and possibly fighting, it becomes much more difficult. Notice I didn't say impossible. That is the lie we buy into. This is, I think, why oldest children seem more disciplined and structured and the younger ones get away with murder. It's very easy to throw in the towel and say, "I'm just too tired to deal with this."

I've started reading (or actually listening to) a book called The Five-Second Rule. It's all about the way we're able to talk ourselves out of just about anything in five seconds or less. Our bodies truly aren't wired for discipline, for making the better choice, for denying ourselves what feels good in the immediate moment. She talks about how she's used a simple 5-second exercise of counting down like a rocket launch ("5, 4, 3, 2, 1...blast off!") to propel herself into doing something she really doesn't WANT to do. While I originally began listening to this for an extra push in the area of eating and exercise, it of course could apply to every area of life. Including the kids.

It's really easy to tell your kids they HAVE to do something. But what happens when they don't? The critical thing is not what you tell them to do, but what they actually end up doing. I recently told Anna now that theatre is done for the year it's time to pick up some additional chores at home, including cooking dinner for the family one night a week. Okay, cool. But it's not like she's going to do this on her own. How many times, after the initial requirement, have I just become rather blasé? Often a few weeks later, I'll say, "Oh yeah, we were going to have you do that...." Still, no follow through. This time, I said she needed to do her research on what she wanted to make, then write it down and hand it to me with the required ingredients before I go shopping. Yesterday I asked her again and she said she'd do it when she got home that night. Guess what? She didn't do it. So now she HAS to do it today, because I'm going shopping tomorrow.

If this all feels rather tedious, it's because it is. Which is why we avoid follow through. Or at least I do. But what are they learning, when we don't follow through about them following through? They're learning it's not important to follow through, of course.

Recently I had to volunteer to do something that I really didn't feel like doing. I had signed up, I knew I needed to be there, but I didn't WANT to be there. "Just don't go," Anna told me. Of course, that's always our default option. I told her I had to go because I said I'd be there and they were depending on me. And I hoped she was making a mental note that even parents sometimes really don't want to do something, but do it.

Follow through is especially difficult with Ethan and screen time. You know how people say if you're going to hand out a certain punishment to your kids, you have to be able to deal with the consequences of that punishment? So if you tell your kid they can't watch TV all day on a rainy day during summer vacation, what's your plan? How are YOU going to survive the punishment, when your child is nagging and whining at you This happens with us and Ethan all the time. Taking away screen time is really the most effective punishment, or consequence, we have for him. But we have to know what we're getting into. A day Ethan is not allowed screens can often be brutal. He doesn't want to get ready for school because "there's nothing to look forward to when I get home." There's crying. Maybe tantrumming. Lots of whining and saying he doesn't know what to do. Lots of trying to sneak the screens when we're not looking. Refusing to do homework. The list goes on and on.

Lately Ethan has taken to sneaking screen time and lying to us about it. The sneaking is bad enough; the lying is a path we really want to nip in the bud as much as possible. Dan caught him last week and took away his screen time the next day, but when I found out, I started to panic. Why? Because I knew he had a baseball game that evening, and how hard it would be to motivate him to put on his uniform and get him out the door if he had no screens that afternoon.

But: Fear of our kids' behavior can't stop us from following through. Maybe sometimes we have to make some adjustments or modifications, but still, we've got to do it. What's "cute" now won't be when they're a teenager, or working a job where they just don't "feel" like doing what the boss has told them to do. We've got to put in the time now, the investment now. Jut as we have to do with ourselves, when it comes to self-discipline.

I still have a LOT to learn about this. I really feel as if I'm just beginning. But awareness is the first step. Nike was right. Sometimes we have to grit our teeth, take a deep breath, and just do it.

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