I've been thinking a lot lately (no big surprise there). Today I was looking up some ideas for Anna's upcoming birthday party and I wondered if Ethan would ever have the kind of party with a bunch of kids (i.e. friends). I didn't let myself stay there for long because I'm learning how unproductive worry about a possible future is, and most of all how it steals away my peace. So that wasn't what I was thinking about, but rather all of the things that make up this typical middle-class American life that most of us or those I know are immersed in.
I am not saying any of this is right or wrong -- it just is what it is.
I am wondering if sometimes things are a bit harder for those of us living with special needs children because of the expectations all around us of what makes the ideal childhood (in particular), but even life. The ideal childhood of course most of all involves being loved and cared for, but it also means in our day, age, and nation -- birthday parties with bounce houses and sleepovers and trophies and swimming lessons and dance and trips to Disney World and baseball games. Again this is not necessarily wrong. But often this is what makes some of us feel complete. If we've done this, we've done what we can to provide our kids with a carefree yet hopefully somewhat challenging upbringing before sending them out into the world. And hopefully we've also instilled in them values and all of that along the way.
Sometimes I wish I had done a missions trip in another country to be able to see that not everyone is living this way. There are many, many places when not much revolves around pleasure but rather survival. Or I wonder what it'd be like to live 200 years ago, back when Mary and Laura Ingalls were happy to receive pennies in their stockings. We forget, sometimes. Or we just never knew.
Another thing: lately I've been wondering what is it about the word "smart?"
When Ethan's therapists first started coming, one of the earliest things they said to me was, "He's so smart!" Sometimes I wonder if it's because the impression on his initial evaluation did not quite paint that picture. Or maybe he just genuinely surprised them, or they really wanted to encourage me because they could see I was down. Over the past few months, whenever someone new sees him, it's one of the things they always say. Yes, he has at least a minor case of low muscle tone and is behind on many skills, but something he's doing is showing them he's smart.
But why is that so important? That's what I'm thinking. Suddenly I have a picture in my head of Forrest Gump, at the end of the movie when he finds out the little boy is actually his son and he stutters, tears in his eyes to Jenny, "Is he...is he...smart? Or is he...stupid?" Yet in the movie, his "intellectually challenged" character changes the world, and smarts had little to do with it.
I've even heard my mom do it, about Andy....talking about how such and such person in the group home does this and that, but Andy is smart and does...whatever the example is. Maybe it's just one area he's smart in, but we like to cling to those areas. There's nothing wrong with making note of and focusing on one's strengths. But sometimes when we're talking about someone's smarts, I feel as if we're subtly implying something about their value.
He's/she's so smart! It seems like we're always trying to prove. But why? Does that impact their worth?
We say that of course we don't judge or view someone's worth as related to their intelligence or accomplishments. We say it, but I can't help but wonder if this world we're immersed in doesn't rub off on us without us even realizing. We say smarts and talents aren't the most important thing, but when I used to bring Anna to gymnastics, all I heard were parents chatting about their kids' recent recitals and blue ribbons, understandably with pride.
I just wonder sometimes if we are proud of the most important things. I am still discovering what those things are. But I feel they have much to do with the way Jesus lived. They aren't as flashy and as noticeable...having a child who is humble, empathetic, kind, generous, helpful, perservering, forgiving, innocent. Yet they are of eternal value. Those are the things can transform the world.
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2 comments:
I totally understand what you are saying, and don't disagree with you.....but think of it in a different way. Most of the time people look at someone with an intellectual disability and think they are stupid, it's just the way society is. So when you hear people say Ethan is smart let it be an encourager to you, and also to Ethan. Turn it around and use it in a positive light.
Ryan's new spec. ed. teacher has Ryan start out each session by him saying, "I am smart." It helps to motivate him and helps him believe that he IS smart. I'm sure Ryan is going to have his share of kids walking up to him telling him he's stupid because he is different. If he hears it enough there is a chance he might start to believe it. I want him believing NOW that he is smart so that the negative comments aren't rooted in him.
Besides, if enough people finally see that these kids in fact ARE smart, they will stop saying it. It's our job to change how society sees our kids....people saying they're smart is a far better cry from years ago when they were called stupid and the "R" word.
"When you see a person with a disability PRESUME competance. - Kathie Snow
I hear what you're saying, Amy. I have no complaints about anyone calling Ethan smart! And I would much rather we approach kids with special needs that way than the opposite. Don't get me wrong.
I was kind of thinking more of society as a whole and how we value that...the fact that we have to remind our kids that they are smart, when truly we all have value even if we are not smart or even if we don't make some sort of major strides/accomlishments. I think of those for example who are extremely intellectually disabled who need much constant care for even the smallest things, for example.
I like what Ryan's teacher is doing, though. So much of what our kids pick up on is determined by the attitude in which they are approached. I will feel blessed if people always approach Ethan as if he is very much capable and able to even suprise us with what he can accomplish.
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