Every time I share photos, especially recently, I get lots of feedback about all of the fun and exciting things we do as a family. "You really get around!" or "You think of so many fun things to do!" people will say. And I've started to feel a little uncomfortable, as if somehow I've set my family up as if we're staring in a little show: "The Whittemores Take New England!"
Another post recently was about Ethan and school. It's true: Ethan's teacher DID call to say what a great job he's been doing. It's also true that I muttered something about "wishing he showed that kind of behavior at home." I included that in the post, because really I was posting about the irony of having the teacher gush over a child who looked nothing like the child we often see at home, particularly first thing in the morning. But I think that point got lost. A number of people were kind enough to say things about how awesome Ethan is and what a great mom I am. And I started to squirm.
I know this has been talked about A LOT lately. And I know people aren't stupid. Most of us are well aware that the world, the life people present on social media, is not the whole story. We paint the best picture of ourselves. We edit and enhance. But despite all of that, I still feel this need for full disclosure...for the story behind the story.
Here's one, for starters.
This is Ethan's first day of soccer. The sun is shining, birds are singing; he's fresh and ready to go. This is Ethan's fourth year playing soccer. And things have gotten better. But they're not always easy. I don't have an After picture of that day. If I did, it would show Ethan flailing around on the ground, crying after the game. I give him credit. He held himself together during the game. And he waited until most people were out of sight. Then he couldn't hold it in any more. It IS frustrating to lose 1-0 to a team after trying really, really hard. And for someone who has trouble regulating emotions, it's even harder. We were the last people to leave the field last week, and this week, too (another tough loss). But this week he pulled himself together a little more quickly. Progress.
We went on this fun day trip up a mountain recently on a ski lift. We've also been blessed to go to an indoor water park earlier this year and will head to Maine for a weekend soon. These trips are special because Dan is coming with us. Some people don't know that many of the adventures I've taken have been just me and the kids...and sometimes my parents. Dan's work schedule with two jobs including his own business make it difficult to get away. We've not been away for a week's vacation for over a year, all together. We have to catch these times whenever we can.
Sometimes online, on a Sunday after I was scheduled to sing and had a wonderful time at church, I will post messages and thank people and gush about the church services that morning or people will write to me and we all have a wonderful time encouraging each other. There is nothing so wrong about this. I DO feel incredibly blessed to serve with such a great group of people. I love to sing and share my gift with God and others. But for every time I write and gush and thank others and say thanks in return, there are a hundred insecurities I've had to fight that day, that morning, that week. I know I'm not a professional, and my voice is not top-notch. It's not about performance but still the fight goes on to quell the voice that says you were too this or not enough that or will never be able to do this or that.
You can't be honest about insecurity, online. You risk sounding like a downer, or that you're fishing for compliments. But sometimes, for others' sake, we NEED to be.
I know this is how it is for everyone. There is the post; the tweet. There is the story that can't be summed up in a paragraph or captured by a picture. There is the hurt you share with those you love in real life, carefully concealed from this virtual world not unlike a magazine where everything is glossier and shinier and summed up succinctly.
Our lives are messy, and I'm not saying anything we don't already know. But sometimes, that's the side we need to show.